A New Beginning

It has been a while since my last post. I have been rather busy, but not with anything really interesting. I have been finishing moving out of the apartment Megan and I shared for the past three years, and into Megan’s new place. It is has been a lot of work. I am astounded by how much stuff and random things you can accumulate in that about of time. I made so many trips to the D.I. (Deseret Industries, a thrift store) I am amazed I still have the amount of things I do have. My new room is a little small, but I almost have everything arranged so that it is functional. I still have more things that I could probably get rid of, but I am just not ready to part with it.

Besides moving, my Fulbright application was due this week. Talk about adding stress. The application had to postmarked the same day we had to be out of the apartment. I had planned on getting everything sent before we started moving, but that didn’t happen. I was having a hard time writing my personal statement. I couldn’t really figure out why I couldn’t just sit down and bust it out. Then I started to think about it. I am afraid of failing, so much so that I am afraid to succeed. I know that sounds like it doesn’t go together but let me explain. I am so scared that I will fail at something I won’t even attempt it, and keep myself from ever truly succeeding.

 I am trying to get over this rather irrational fear by putting myself out there more. That is to say I finished my essay and was able to edit it a couple of times even. J That is a real feat for me. I usually, that is for classes, just turn in my first draft. I have been thinking about this conundrum for a while now, since I got my grades for the last semester. I didn’t really apply myself in my classes this past semester, and I was still able to get good grades. All A’s and B’s. It really made me think about what my grade could have been if I had put more effort into my studies. And what else I could have learned had I applied myself more.

I don’t want to just be mediocre. I don’t want to be something fabulous either, I have never aspired for true greatness, at least greatness as in fame, but I do want to be great. That is going to be one of my goals for this year and the rest of my life: To seriously give everything 100%. I know that even if I don’t succeed at everything. I may not get every stories maybe published right away. I may not get the Fulbright. Or something else, but I know that if I give it 100% every time I know that I can be happy with whatever result comes.

Today was the first day of classes in Boise. It was a little weird to show up to classes, and see all the wonderful and interesting things being taught, and knowing that I will only be here for a couple of weeks. It will be really good however to spend some time speaking and reading in German again before I go. I have been really bad over the break. So far my German has been so compartmentalized that I can respond in German if I am spoken to in German, but I have a really hard time responding in German if someone speaks to me in English. I have been thinking, I would be fine once I got there and hearing German all around me, but that doesn’t go along very well with my goal to give everything 100%. So I am going to be very dedicated this week to speak, hear, and read more German. Exactly how I am going to do that I am not quite sure yet, but I will be making a plan tonight J

Before I go I just have to say that I love the attitude of those in academia. I was sitting in the ILC (one of the buildings on campus) today eating my lunch, and the man sitting across from me was reading a book. I didn’t think much of it I had some things to do but wanted to eat first. Then the man puts down his book, and asks me how my day was going. We started talking, and it was a great conversation. The thing that made it so great was that we weren’t just talking about the weather or general first day of classes, but we had a real conversation about philosophical ideas! Where else can you have a conversation about your thoughts and perceptions of life? I learned that it was his first day back to school after a 31 year hiatus in the military. I learned that he thinks Kuwait is just about the ugliest place on Earth, and that he is an artist. I know that he wants to teach and that if he could do things over again he would spend more time studying and supplementing his children’s educations despite the fact they are both highly successful college graduates. I guess what I am saying here is say hello to someone this week and instead of just talking about nothing, or things that don’t matter, ask them to tell you a little about themselves or their thoughts on some current topic. You never know what new friends you will meet J

Oh and 27 days  :)))))))))))))))